Another of my long-ago writings...
To some mothers, miscarriage is simply a life event... to be gotten over, life goes on.
To many mothers, miscarriage represents a REAL loss, not JUST of her hopes and dreams, plans and fantasies. These began - not with this pregnancy - but deep in her childhood. As a little girl plays with dolls, she works out her ideas and fantasies of parenthood. Many girls looks forward to becoming a mother, from a very young age. As teenagers, we often know names, sex and number of children we plan to have, before a particular husband is even chosen.
Our belief in our womanhood is often wrapped up in the idea of motherhood. To lose a baby can make her FEEL a failure as a woman, and as a partner to the man in her life. To have repeated miscarriages can do a real number on her self-esteem, especially when doctors can find nothing physically wrong.
Partners tend not to share the depth of loss - not being as physically or emotionally involved. To many partners, the baby had not yet become a reality, as fathers are often four months behind the mother in attachment during pregnancy.
Doctors have very few answers and even in repeated miscarriages, only in 20% of cases is a reason found. Their suggestion to simply go home and try again - is insensitive to the mother's needs and fear of loss in a subsequent pregnancy. There is seldom any acknowledgement for the baby that has been lost, the mother's grief, or desire for THIS baby - not just any baby.
Some mothers have experienced fertility problems for years, and having this much-awaited baby snatched away seems too cruel of a trick. Other mothers experience subsequent infertility after a loss, making the loss even more tragic.
To every mother who mourns one or more losses, I hope you are able to find answers to your many questions, support and understanding for what you are feeling, information and sources to assist working through your grief. A place to share your experiences, realizing that you are not alone in your feelings of loss. And finally - hope for the future - that a subsequent pregnancy can be entered with less fear and anxiety.
Not related to post...........
ReplyDeleteWha???????? Aren't you the sly one?
I was wondering if I could print out this post and give it to my doctor? I was lectured and yelled at for half an hour the other day because I wanted to find an answer to the WHYs of my losses. I think that this could possibly open some eyes at my doctor's office if you would be so kind.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I will wait for you to contact me.
Shanna, I am so sorry for your loss of your precious baby.
ReplyDeleteYes, of course - print it out for your dr.
Cricket - awaiting the "official" word on the subject... ;)
Thank you so much. I hope it will open their eyes and make them realize that our babies are real as soon as we see that positive HPT.
ReplyDeleteI came across your journal while doing a search, and was really blessed by the part of this post where you talked about the "desire for THIS baby" - emphasizing how real and precious each baby is, whether it makes it to term or not. We have lost two babies rather late, one at 11-12 weeks and one at 16 weeks (this one last May), and I still struggle with losing those two babies even though we do have five children.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry about the babies you have lost, and will be praying that you have a healthy, fullterm baby next time.