Miscarriage stories of loss, hope and help. It's always devastating to experience a loss. It can cause you to feel alone, isolated. There's no 'right' way to feel - a range of reactions are possible and normal. In addition to the grief you may feel, your body will be undergoing some profound hormonal adjustments, which may make you feel very emotionally volatile. If you have had a miscarriage, take the time to understand better why these occur and why it is not your fault.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Beyond my control...
I am numb to it. I no longer attach to a pregnancy, no longer expect a baby at the end. The nurse taking my blood asked if I was hoping for a boy or girl? I just can't even imagine getting that far yet.
I will cry if this pregnancy ends, but it is just another episode. Either eventually one will work, or it won't. I have accepted that I have no control. My only control is if we keep trying, or we choose to stop.
I will never be innocent again. If I could choose, I would go back to before I got pregnant and miscarried with Rob the first time. I often wish that I had never gotten pregnant then, and started down this journey. But it was meant to be, and I feel I must continue on this journey, see where it leads.
There may be no baby in my future, I have accepted that. Why I have to go thru all this now, at my age, I can't understand. But I feel it is important, despite my lack of understanding. So I keep going, doing what feels right to me.
And accepting that it is all beyond my control...
2 comments:
WE LOVE COMMENTS!
Don't just sit there, reading this story or article - say something! Do you have a story to share (it might get published!)
NOTE: Comments are moderated - just to stop the spambots - and so may take up to a few hours to be approved.
Catherine reserves the right to review, edit, refuse or delete any comment.
Catherine,
ReplyDeleteI'll be waiting to find out the results, too. Although I haven't been through what you're experiencing, I understand the detachment - I feel that way about whether or not I get pregnant in a given month, or ever. Detached, like it would be so much easier not to have this inate drive to reproduce.
You are so wise in coming to terms with how little control one has in these matters. I don't know if it's scarier to think you have control (when you don't) or to just realize that you don't. Bless you in your desire and efforts to have a child.
ReplyDelete