A pregnant encounter

We went to a family wedding this weekend, and the pregnant mom I have been avoiding was there, although I knew it had to happen eventually.

This 22y old had her first baby due the same time Rob and my first baby was due. Their little girl is 2y old in a couple of weeks. Mom is pregnant again, 5 months. The funny thing is, I knew she was pregnant long before anyone told us. I started getting anxious about the thought that she was pregnant again, almost to the day, eight weeks before the grandfather told us she was pregnant - eight weeks along!

Anyhow, she is married to Rob's nephew, so I knew I couldn't avoid her forever. But I have resisted visiting Rob's brother, because she is often there, visiting.

So this was the first day I had seen her since she got pregnant. I thought I did pretty good, had a long conversation with her after the ceremony. After dinner, during the long speeches (!), I had to go outside and get some air. When everyone came out, I watched her light up her umpteenth cigarette of the day, and drinking her alcoholic drink, and listen to her go on and on about her pregnancy - I started thinking about our babies. That in a few months, she will have two babies, and we will have still have none.

I decided to leave the porch we were all sitting on and walk the grounds of the park where the wedding was. It was a good thing, because I just couldn't stop thinking about the babies we've lost, and I started to cry. I didn't want to have to explain why I was crying - she had a right to talk about her pregnancy, and no-one in our family knew we had been trying.

I couldn't stop weeping, the tears kept welling up. I tried giving myself a stern talking to - "get over it", "deal with it", "suck it up" because it's not going to go away, no matter how sad it makes me.

I finally got my emotions somewhat under control, and went back to get a glass of pop. I arrived back in time for the first dance, so luckily no-one questioned my last few tears.

After, I got surrounded by some talkitive relatives, so that kept me occupied the rest of the evening.

Am I jealous of her? No, not really. Mostly I am just sad for me. That time has run out for us, and that Rob and I aren't 22y old anymore and able to pop out a baby with ease. And I miss my babies...