Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Loss of a child through miscarriage

Often the grief of people experiencing, or who have experienced, a miscarriage is deminished or looked down upon as it is not understood.

Studies show that mothers begin bonding with their child during very early pregnancy, many of us aren't aware it is happening and if miscarriage occurs the grief and pain can catch you off guard.

Personally I was very shocked by how much it hit me the first time I miscarried and I think that made it harder to overcome as I didn't see it as acceptable to grief the loss of a child that hadn't been born. Boy, did I learn a lot from that journey.

Because I fought the grieving process it took a lot longer to start going through the grieving process, and I found myself carrying anger - anger that it happened, as well as anger that it was effecting that it happened.

Generally we look for someone to blame, when there is no answers it must be someone's fault - and that's the thinking that will keep you trapped in grief a lot longer than you need to be.

The other misconseption is that you need to "get over it". Healing from grief does not mean forgetting, blocking it out, or that you can't remember relevent dates that you hold important. I have a place that my son and I go to on the dates the babies were lost, it helps me and allows me to feel they arent being forgotten.

Just because others never got the chance to meet them and have an attachment that they grieve, doesn't mean my attachment isn't valid and real. The times I carried them isn't something I will ever forget, so why fight to forget.

The grief of a miscarriage is a very complex type of grief. Quite often women feel the effects of a birth and a death at the same time, a sense of failure, lack of explanation, and have no baby to bury.

Some of the common feelings associated after a miscarriage:

* The loss of our dreams for this child and the future our family would have had together - we had made plans for life

* The loss of self-confidence

* Ashamed of not being able to do what we naturally should be able to do- carry a child

* The illogical shame, guilt or embarrassment

* Worry that we never will carry a child (again)

* Worry that the grief they feel isnt 'normal'

* Dealing with others' inappropriate comments, some with the best of intentions

* Dealing with our feelings over others' pregnancies (relatives being even more difficult), especially when they are due around the time we would have been and then later their new babies

* Sometimes jelousy of people who have healthy children but aren't being good parents, and wondering why they got a child but your's died.

There are many reasons why miscarriages occur, blaming someone or yourself won't help the grief.

The grief of a miscarriage is not about finding the answer you yearn for, but learning to accept living without one.

Some sites that may help if you are dealing with miscarriage, or want to understand what someone you who is going through better

Source: http://www.geekzone.co.nz/haze23/4067

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