Friday, January 27, 2006

Beyond my control...

So here I sit - 6w5d pregnant. The farthest I have gotten in 2 years. I had one week of spotting, then one week of no spotting, and now I am on my second day of spotting again. Waiting for the bloodwork, to tell me if there is a viable pregnancy in there. I am thinking - probably not...

I am numb to it. I no longer attach to a pregnancy, no longer expect a baby at the end. The nurse taking my blood asked if I was hoping for a boy or girl? I just can't even imagine getting that far yet.

I will cry if this pregnancy ends, but it is just another episode. Either eventually one will work, or it won't. I have accepted that I have no control. My only control is if we keep trying, or we choose to stop.

I will never be innocent again. If I could choose, I would go back to before I got pregnant and miscarried with Rob the first time. I often wish that I had never gotten pregnant then, and started down this journey. But it was meant to be, and I feel I must continue on this journey, see where it leads.

There may be no baby in my future, I have accepted that. Why I have to go thru all this now, at my age, I can't understand. But I feel it is important, despite my lack of understanding. So I keep going, doing what feels right to me.

And accepting that it is all beyond my control...

2 comments:

Cricket said...

Catherine,
I'll be waiting to find out the results, too. Although I haven't been through what you're experiencing, I understand the detachment - I feel that way about whether or not I get pregnant in a given month, or ever. Detached, like it would be so much easier not to have this inate drive to reproduce.

Antique Mommy said...

You are so wise in coming to terms with how little control one has in these matters. I don't know if it's scarier to think you have control (when you don't) or to just realize that you don't. Bless you in your desire and efforts to have a child.