Miscarriage: IS a Real Loss

Another of my long-ago writings...

To some mothers, miscarriage is simply a life event... to be gotten over, life goes on.

To many mothers, miscarriage represents a REAL loss, not JUST of her hopes and dreams, plans and fantasies. These began - not with this pregnancy - but deep in her childhood. As a little girl plays with dolls, she works out her ideas and fantasies of parenthood. Many girls looks forward to becoming a mother, from a very young age. As teenagers, we often know names, sex and number of children we plan to have, before a particular husband is even chosen.

Our belief in our womanhood is often wrapped up in the idea of motherhood. To lose a baby can make her FEEL a failure as a woman, and as a partner to the man in her life. To have repeated miscarriages can do a real number on her self-esteem, especially when doctors can find nothing physically wrong.

Partners tend not to share the depth of loss - not being as physically or emotionally involved. To many partners, the baby had not yet become a reality, as fathers are often four months behind the mother in attachment during pregnancy.

Doctors have very few answers and even in repeated miscarriages, only in 20% of cases is a reason found. Their suggestion to simply go home and try again - is insensitive to the mother's needs and fear of loss in a subsequent pregnancy. There is seldom any acknowledgement for the baby that has been lost, the mother's grief, or desire for THIS baby - not just any baby.

Some mothers have experienced fertility problems for years, and having this much-awaited baby snatched away seems too cruel of a trick. Other mothers experience subsequent infertility after a loss, making the loss even more tragic.

To every mother who mourns one or more losses, I hope you are able to find answers to your many questions, support and understanding for what you are feeling, information and sources to assist working through your grief. A place to share your experiences, realizing that you are not alone in your feelings of loss. And finally - hope for the future - that a subsequent pregnancy can be entered with less fear and anxiety.