Motherhood

I guess I needed a taste of young motherhood again - 7 year old Chris is visiting this weekend, and has been up since 4:30 AM, throwing up. Other than gagging as I cleaned up his bed, it wasn't so bad. I was already up, because I never sleep much anyhow, and all the mothering kicks right back in - just like riding a bike!

Some have said I was born to be a mother, calling me an "earth mother". I don't see myself that way, often feeling selfish and unappreciated. But I have always been there, with a helping hand, arms to hug and comfort. It is who I am.

My mom said she got worried because at 6 years old, I was already going on and on about being a mother. It was what I wanted to be when I grew up. But they said no, you have to want more. So I said then I would be a kindergarten teacher, or a pediatric nurse. I wanted to work with children.

I did end up working with children, in nursery programs, in drop-in centres, in teen mom programs, doing daycare, doing respite child care for PPD moms, working in the hospital nurseries, running mom & baby groups, and a mail order business of baby products. Children have been my whole life.

I loved being pregnant, I loved carrying that special secret inside. I loved giving birth, nursing my babies. There were bad days. Days I felt like running away. We all have them. But what wonderful people my boys grew up to be, despite the bad times. I sometimes would walk behind my boys, marveling that they came from me. That these tall creatures were here because of me!

But sometimes I wonder what life would be like if all of my children were here? Each baby lost - not lost, growing up, surrounding me, enriching my life?

Quiet moments, alone in the dark. Wondering...