Conflicting Emotions - part 2

It's a good feeling to be proven right, that the RE was wrong and I was right. He was convinced the bad numbers last cycle meant I would never ovulate again. Then his bloodwork late last cycle said I just did. Now, this cycle, my numbers are back to normal, and show I should ovulate within the next 24 hours.

It's also nice to know that I am not in menopause, I am not too old, and this body is still working.

Expert: Lawrence Jay Rappaport M.D.
Subject: Having first baby at advance age
Women can conceive and carry a baby to term as long as they are getting their periods regularly and ovulating. As a woman gets older, it is harder and harder to conceive. However, as long as she gets her period she should be able to conceive until she reaches menopause. I have many patients who are pregnant and are over 45 years old. Many women are waiting until their careers take off before they start a family. There should be no problems for the mother or baby if you start a family before she is 45.

QUOTE: I did point out before about OB's being more optimistic than RE's. And that's because they see plenty of older women who come in who are already pregnant. When I left, he said "happy hunting." He said that as long as you are still ovulating, you have good eggs left. He said that no woman produces 12 "good" eggs per year. Even if she is 22 years old. A younger woman might ovulate 10 good eggs a year. An older woman will have fewer. Maybe only 6 cycles a year, or only 4, or maybe only 2. But in his view, if you just hang in there and keep trying, you'll pop out an egg capable of being fertilized, implanting and growing into a healthy baby.

Steven Sondheimer, MD: As long as a women is ovulating, she has some hope of getting pregnant on her own, even with an abnormal FSH. As women get into their 40's their pregnancies are more likely to end in a spontaneous miscarriage but still there is hope for a successful pregnancy

QUOTE: As long as you are ovulating, no matter if you are in your 50’s you are able to get pregnant. Also, to be “diagnosed” with menopause your menstrual period must be absent for whole 12 consecutive months.

Yet, I had a bit of a quiet melt-down yesterday, thinking about getting pregnant and miscarrying again. We were on our way to the miscarriage support group, and I started thinking about having another miscarriage. Could I cope if I miscarry again? Will I be attending these meetings for the next 10 years?

Since the RE never found a reason for all my miscarriages, beyond old eggs, there is no reason to believe that a future pregnancy will be any more successful that the previous ones. I am taking the Fish Oil, in case there are NK cells. I am taking vitamin E, because my midwife says it's better than taking baby aspirin.

I am taking cortisone, in case there is a hidden immune problem. I am taking progesterone, because at least I know that is low. I do think that the cortisone/progesterone combination is making the progesterone work better, and that's a good thing!

But it made it really hard to BD last night, I just felt so sad, that it was so futile to even try again. I kept tearing up, and couldn't even look at Rob. He asked what I was thinking, but I just didn't want to say anything. "Just make love to me," I said sadly.

If they had only found a reason why, I would feel more hopeful, but now it just feels like gambling with my heart...