Miscarriage: Anger,Guilt and Blame

Last miscarriage support group was on Anger,Guilt and Blame. It was the first meeting that I didn't cry! The week before was Men, Women & Grief, and I think I cried the whole time. I used so many kleenex, I thought I'd have to bring them in a new box! But I was only 5 days from finding out my most recent pregnancy was over, and the grief was overwhelming...

But surprisingly, with all our talk about anger, we all spent more time laughing, than crying. I don't think anyone cried that night. But we sure expressed our anger!

I am angry at my body, for failing me - over and over and over and over again. I am angry that I was too young, then just bad luck, now I'm too old! I am angry that I was never the right age!

I am angry at the stupid things doctors have said to me. The ER doctor who told me I was too young to even know if I was pregnant at 18 years old, while I carried my baby unseen in a jar in my purse.

Or the Resident doctor who told me to go home and stop wasting a hospital bed when I was admitted with premature labour at 22 weeks with my youngest. That I was only going to miscarry him anyway. He was finally born at full-term, thank goodness I didn't listen to that doctor!

I feel guilty that my body won't hold a pregnancy, and that Rob may never have a living child - because of the failure of my body to work properly. That he gives me babies so easily, and I lose them in a heartbeat. It makes me feel so useless...

As for blame, Rob says maybe it's his fault, that there is something wrong with his sperm. I know that it's a possibility, especially at our "advanced" ages - but I just feel that it has to be my fault, since I have been miscarrying since I was 18 years old.

Next meeting is called Write It Down - I have written so much over the years, I have no idea what I will bring in. But we have to read it outloud, so I think I better bring my own kleenex next time...