Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Miscarriage: IS a Real Loss

Another of my long-ago writings...

To some mothers, miscarriage is simply a life event... to be gotten over, life goes on.

To many mothers, miscarriage represents a REAL loss, not JUST of her hopes and dreams, plans and fantasies. These began - not with this pregnancy - but deep in her childhood. As a little girl plays with dolls, she works out her ideas and fantasies of parenthood. Many girls looks forward to becoming a mother, from a very young age. As teenagers, we often know names, sex and number of children we plan to have, before a particular husband is even chosen.

Our belief in our womanhood is often wrapped up in the idea of motherhood. To lose a baby can make her FEEL a failure as a woman, and as a partner to the man in her life. To have repeated miscarriages can do a real number on her self-esteem, especially when doctors can find nothing physically wrong.

Partners tend not to share the depth of loss - not being as physically or emotionally involved. To many partners, the baby had not yet become a reality, as fathers are often four months behind the mother in attachment during pregnancy.

Doctors have very few answers and even in repeated miscarriages, only in 20% of cases is a reason found. Their suggestion to simply go home and try again - is insensitive to the mother's needs and fear of loss in a subsequent pregnancy. There is seldom any acknowledgement for the baby that has been lost, the mother's grief, or desire for THIS baby - not just any baby.

Some mothers have experienced fertility problems for years, and having this much-awaited baby snatched away seems too cruel of a trick. Other mothers experience subsequent infertility after a loss, making the loss even more tragic.

To every mother who mourns one or more losses, I hope you are able to find answers to your many questions, support and understanding for what you are feeling, information and sources to assist working through your grief. A place to share your experiences, realizing that you are not alone in your feelings of loss. And finally - hope for the future - that a subsequent pregnancy can be entered with less fear and anxiety.


Cricket said...

Not related to post...........

Wha???????? Aren't you the sly one?

Shinny said...

I was wondering if I could print out this post and give it to my doctor? I was lectured and yelled at for half an hour the other day because I wanted to find an answer to the WHYs of my losses. I think that this could possibly open some eyes at my doctor's office if you would be so kind.
Thanks. I will wait for you to contact me.

Catherine McDiarmid-Watt said...

Shanna, I am so sorry for your loss of your precious baby.
Yes, of course - print it out for your dr.

Cricket - awaiting the "official" word on the subject... ;)

Shinny said...

Thank you so much. I hope it will open their eyes and make them realize that our babies are real as soon as we see that positive HPT.

betsy said...

I came across your journal while doing a search, and was really blessed by the part of this post where you talked about the "desire for THIS baby" - emphasizing how real and precious each baby is, whether it makes it to term or not. We have lost two babies rather late, one at 11-12 weeks and one at 16 weeks (this one last May), and I still struggle with losing those two babies even though we do have five children.
I am so, so sorry about the babies you have lost, and will be praying that you have a healthy, fullterm baby next time.