Sunday, January 01, 2006

Miscarriage: What a shock! Anger?

I am angry today! I don't have any particular reason to be angry. I am not mad about anything. Though I could go off on a tangent in a heartbeat!

I am not mad at someone. Though I could give you a list of things that are bugging me right now.

I just feel so angry inside. So I have decided it must be one of the stages of grieving. If I am going to start feeling it, I guess anger is the place to start. Better to be angry than be depressed.

Hopefully I can sit quietly long enough that I don't scare everyone around me away...

Here is another article I wrote long ago.

You would expect to feel sad. You would expect to feel empty. But...
What a shock! You feel so-o much ANGER!

Anger at the insensitive doctor who said... "It's silly to cry." "You KNEW you were going to miscarry." "Lots of 'girls' have miscarriages, it's no big deal!"

Anger when reading over the consent form for a D & C... The parts that read, "Therapeutic Abortion", "Spontaneous Abortion", "products of conceptus". That was a baby, your baby. A very much wanted, loved, needed ... baby!

Anger at the uncaring nurse who said... "Wait till you have a 'real' baby, then you'll know what pain is!" and "My, you've been a busy little rabbit", after your fifth unsuccessful pregnancy.

Anger at your family and friends... who won't acknowledge your precious baby. "But, you can't celebrate Mother's Day... you're not a mother." "When you have a child, you'll know how it feels." "Forget about it... life goes on."

Anger at society that doesn't allow you to grieve... "So, you miscarried on Saturday... so you will be back to work on Monday, right?" "It was only a piece of tissue... why even think about it?" "You can always have another baby."

Anger at other pregnant women and new mothers who complain... "This baby was an accident... I wish I wasn't pregnant!" "I seem to get pregnant every time he looks at me." "This baby is such a nuisance... crying all the time, wanting to be held constantly!"

Anger at your baby's father.... How come he doesn't cry... doesn't he care? How can he just go on with his life, when our baby is gone? Why doesn't he feel the same as me?

Anger at your body... "How could you do this to me? I was so careful, eating right, not overdoing anything, not smoking, drinking, etc. Why did you reject my tiny, precious baby?"

Anger at yourself... Did I exercise too much? Was it the video terminal at work? I forgot my vitamins one day! Maybe we shouldn't have had sex? Maybe I didn't want the baby enough?

Anger at even the baby... How could you leave me like this? Why did you enter my life, only to leave me in pain and sorrow? Why couldn't you just BE there still, when I forget, and place my hand on my stomach!?

ANGER. A very real emotion. To be acknowledged. Accepted. and understood.

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