Monday, June 26, 2006

A Father's Grief

I often wonder, how does Rob really feel about the loss of our babies? He is the strong silent type, always comforting me. He tells them at the support group that he is there to support me.

But I don't know how he really feels, he only says it hurts to think about it much. And, to be honest, I'm not sure I could handle it somedays, on top of my own. It's hard not to project my feelings, my emotions onto him. With his quiet stoicism, I am left to simply imagine how he feels.

He lost his first wife suddenly, when she died of a brain aneurysm in his arms. I often feel that I have only brought more grief, more loss into his life. Though a woman at the support group reminded me that I also brought him love and hope.

But I watch him. Gazing wistfully at little ones in the grocery store. Smiling at them, hoping to engage them, even if only for a moment. And I wonder, how much his heart hurts?

I don't think most people think about men wanting, hoping for a child. I don't think they realize just how much men hurt, to lose their child, to lose their only hope of having a child. It just seems so unfair...


DD said...

In knowing the type of husband you speak of, he is probably thinking more about you. The guys usually try to keep their heads in the here and now. Sometimes that's kind of hard for us to understand.

Josh said...

As a father who recently lost an infant son, I can tell you that I've caught myself watching young kids, just wishing that I could know the joy that child's father must feel.

I know my wife struggles with our son's death far more than I do, and I'm sure she feels much like you do - that your husband is trying to be strong for your sake. Believe him when he tells you it hurts to think about it - it does hurt, and he most assuredly is thinking about it. He might be handling it better, in your estimation, but he is struggling with it as much as you are.

If you can, my wife and I have both found it immensely helpful to meet with a grief counselor together - it lets us both heal together, and helps us each understand what the other really feels. Look for one in your area if it is within your means to do so.