Sunday, June 18, 2006

Why Does it Hurt?

Things like this don't usually bother me, I don't feel jealous of other's successful pregnancies, I don't feel that someone else being pregnant changes anything about my chances or life. Babies happen - whether they are good or bad parents, whether baby is wanted or not.

I actually believe that babies come when they come - nothing you do or don't do is really going to make any difference, well, beyond the obvious! All new life should be rejoiced!

But for the last 2 months I have been thinking about Jen & Steve, the parents of the baby due the same day as our baby, lost in February 2004. They had a beautiful little girl, who is now over 2 years old. Since Steve is Rob's nephew, I got to watch this little one grow up, knowing that our little one should be growing up beside her.

No-one in our families knows about our losses, we decided not to share. So no-one shares our grief, no-one shares our sorrow.

So, I have been thinking about Jen & Steve a lot the past couple of months, with the strongest feeling there was another baby on the way. No-one said anything. I had no reason to think this, but I just couldn't shake the feeling. So last night, we were at a party. Grandpa announces that Jen is pregnant again - 8 weeks along. I think - I knew it! Not only that, but a brother-in-law & wife, who had a baby boy last year, are also pregnant again.

It's not about life being fair - they are young, and of course they are having babies. As much as we would love to have a baby, it is probably too late for me to hang onto another baby. So what difference should it make to me? But it still hurts. I am still sad.

The thought of watching another two babies grow up in our family, a constant reminder of what we lost, what we will probably never have together. It's not their fault, it's got nothing to do with them. But it still hurts.

It didn't help that I was taking care of Christopher yesterday, who is 7 years old. He has known me his whole life. I have always looked the same. In fact, since I have been working out at the gym since February, and working with a nutritionist to lose weight, people were starting to say I was looking good, more toned up.

But, as I came down the stairs yesterday, Christopher says, "You look like you are going to have a baby!" All I can think of is - thanks for telling me I look fat!

Of course Rob, who is ever hopeful, thinks the boy is psychic! I feel so bad that I constantly destroy his hopes and dreams.


DD said...

I've been told I shouldn't feel that kind of pain since we have X. But I do, and I feel terrible for being envious and knowing that it's not a game of who gets to be pregnant and who doesn't. Still, it's hard not to ask, "why me?".

Anonymous said...

What a difficult thing to deal with. Like you, most of the time I feel like I am past the bitterness when confronted with another healthy pregnancy. But some just really hit a sore spot.

Sending peaceful thoughts your way.