Wednesday, February 15, 2006

So few memories, so much love

It has been two years now since we lost our first baby together - on Valentine's Day 2004. This year was a better Valentine's Day. I made Rob a cake, he brought me a rose. Last year I just could not celebrate a day of love - it hurt too much.

It was such a surprise to find myself pregnant two years ago, and yet so few weeks to accept and enjoy before our baby was gone. I have pondered for two years the reason why this miracle happened, and yet was taken away? Why, after all these years, did I have to go through all of this again? In the two years, I still have reached no answer.

Sometimes I feel it is punishment for finally finding happiness. Other times I feel I need to work out my feelings over loss, not yet resolved from my five previous losses.

Is there a limit to loss, an end date to the hurting? What have I missed, that I need to do to move forward from this? I find no comfort in "angels in heaven" or "watching over me". If there are babies in my life, they should be in my arms, not only in my heart...

I have several copies of this book, but never have I filled one for my own babies. I just can't seem to make myself write down the words of loss...

An exquisitely-detailed baby memory book. Specially-created to help record the events prior to, during and following the loss of a baby through early miscarriage. This long-awaited baby memory book:

- Gives you permission to grieve
- Helps you to work through the process of grieving and the pain of loss
- Offers a place to express your thoughts, feelings and emotions of your baby's loss
- Embraces the importance of mourning your baby
- Helps to promote the positive resolution of your grief

Found at Born to Love

1 comment:

Lola said...

I'm so sorry for how you're hurting. I don't think there is an end date to it, but over time it simply becomes part of who we are. I've felt really strong and positive for months now and then last night had a major breakdown. The 'active grieving' (sobbing, feeling phsyical pain, etc.) I think goes in cycles, and the cycles get longer and longer. These days I just let the waves buffet me. Resistance, as they say, is futile.